Whatever you become.
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: A one-day vacation has Tsuzuki sick. Hisoka's trying to sort out his feelings as he silently 'talks' to a sleeping Tsuzuki.


Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei is by Yoko Matsushita and all rights are held by her and whomever's associated with it.  
  
[Please note: I made the flashback based on the last anime episode.]  
  
  
"I told you not to over exert yourself," I scolded as I tucked him into the bed.  
"You always get so mad at me," Tsuzuki said as I sat on a chair next to him.  
"..." I took a book from the table next to him and began to read.  
  
"Thanks..." he mumbled out of breath.  
  
I turned my head. "No problem."  
Then, I began to read again.  
  
  
Whatever you become.  
By Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
As he fell asleep, I took a cold cloth and laid it on his forehead. "To keep your fever down."  
  
He nodded his head and slept. As soon as he did, I closed the book and began to lean my hand on my chin and stare out the window.  
  
You never listen to me...  
  
I got up and became frustrated and walked out to the balcony. I took off my jacket and just dropped it to my feet.  
  
I want to feel cold.  
This is how I feel when you won't tell me anything, Tsuzuki.  
  
It was then that I leaned my hands on the railing and looked down to the ocean below. Rocking back and forth.  
  
I guess that's how life goes.  
You go in, you go out.   
Life and death are the same, aren't they? You can stop neither and nor can you ignore them.  
  
I looked back at his sleeping face and he began to cough. I immediately ran in and got him water.  
"Here, drink this." I instructed in my usual monotonous voice as I pushed him to sit up.  
"Mm..." he nodded aimlessly as he drank from the cup.  
I wiped the water that had dripped onto his face and neck with my sleeve. "Go back to sleep."  
  
He did as he was told and I went back to the balcony.  
  
And it began to haunt me...  
  
I never felt so strongly for something in my whole life except my pure hatred for Muraki as I did at that moment that would not leave me head.  
I gripped onto the railing again.  
  
If I didn't, I would slip to my knees.  
  
"We must respect his wishes," Tatsumi has said to me.  
  
I closed my eyes. In my head, I was screaming, "Iya da!"  
  
And it repeated inside of my heart: "No...you just can't!"  
  
"I can't let you leave me!" I screamed inside of my head.  
  
As I ran through the flames of death, my heart raced along with me.  
  
"Wherever you go...  
  
Doki.  
  
Whatever you do...  
  
Doki.  
  
I want to be there...  
  
Doki.  
  
Tsuzuki...  
  
Doki.  
  
I won't let you die.  
  
Doki.  
  
Because...  
  
Doki.  
  
You're all I've got!!!"  
  
As I saw him, I jumped to hug him in my arms. As he tried to reason out his side, I was a child who shook my head.  
I protested with all my heart.  
  
Whatever was left of it...  
I wanted it to be saved.  
  
I looked at Tsuzuki with this hope.  
  
I wanted him near me.  
I wanted to be next to him.  
  
If he...  
If he ever went...  
  
I shook my head.  
  
"Stay. For my sake," I begged as I hugged him harder.  
  
Crying outside or inside, I didn't know which. All I knew was that I _was_ being selfish.  
But you were being selfish too, Tsuzuki.  
  
You can't just open my heart and then just let me go again.  
I don't think I'll be able to take that.  
  
As stubborn as I am, I know everything's okay when you're near.  
It sounds so foolish...  
And I can't even tell you.  
  
It was then that I turned around and sat on your bed to look at you. Even on a short one-day vacation, I can't believe you got sick.  
  
A tear had slipped through my defenses as my hands became fists.  
  
Stupid fool.  
You stupid fool...  
  
Why don't you ever tell me?  
Am I unworthy of your trust?   
  
I want to take that wistful smile you always have and replace it with a happy one. Not one where you keep your distance from everyone...  
  
The one where you keep your distance even from me.  
You seem so far away whenever you do that.  
  
I want to pound on your chest and ask you why. Why does it have to be this way?  
But if I touch you, I'm also scared.  
  
Will I go beyond the limits that I've put around myself? Will I violate the invisible ones you've put for humanity?  
  
I'm scared of the answer I'd get.  
Even when you said, "Okay...I'll stay."  
  
Okay, I'll live. That's what it translated to.  
  
  
What hurt you so much that you don't want to live? What is this darkness that always encloses your heart?  
I...  
  
I WANT TO KNOW!  
  
I want you to tell me of your own free will...  
And it's killing me inside.  
  
It seems like we're not getting there anytime soon.  
  
  
And you know what's the worst part of this, Tsuzuki? Do you know what it is?  
  
I can't even tell you.  
I can't shake you from this reality that is so painful for you.  
  
How can you care for others when you can't even care for yourself?  
  
I...  
I...want to know...so many things.  
  
In this silence.  
It hurts me.   
  
Tsuzuki...  
  
I began to close my eyes to keep from betraying myself.  
  
It was then that I whispered aloud, "You think I'll reject you...  
But you know what? The thing I fear is that you'll reject me."  
  
"Why?" he asked.  
  
I opened my eyes to find him wiping away my tears with his thumb.  
  
"Because where you go, I want to be there too," I answered softly.  
  
I want to grip his hand.  
But instead, the courage I had is slipping.  
  
"You may not like the person you see in front of you."  
  
Again, I just hugged him. Tightly, I wrapped my arms around him and whispered to his ear, "No matter where you go, or where you came from, your heart will always be the same."  
  
"But what if I transform into-" he tried to counter.  
  
I shook my head as I interrupted,  
"To me, Tsuzuki will always be Tsuzuki.   
Whatever you become."  
  
My eyes opened wide...  
As he put his hands over my back to embrace me in return.  
  
--  
Author's note: This is my first attempt on a Yami fic. So, I hope it was okay. ^^;;;  
I wanted to put more, but I thought it was appropriate to end there. 


End file.
